Don't be a human Jaffa Cake! Your guide to not botching bronzer

Right, settle down you pasty-faced lot - we’re about to tackle the often truly terrifying, yet utterly compelling, topic of bronzer. And before you all go rummaging for that massive, glitter-laden compact that promises to turn you into a sun-kissed goddess (but actually turns you into something resembling a dodgy spray tan you can’t quite remember agreeing to during a hen do in Blackpool), stop! Let’s have a proper chinwag first.

It's easy to get bronzer wrong!

Bronzer woes: the Terry's Chocolate Orange predicament

We’ve all seen them, haven’t we? Wandering around the supermarket, looking like they’ve had a particularly aggressive skirmish with a bag of Wotsits. Their neck a ghostly shade of undiluted milk, their face a glorious, glowing tangerine. This, my friends, is the bronzer gaffe. It’s the beauty equivalent of turning up to a village fete wearing nothing but a pair of wellies and a strong sense of optimism – utterly out of place and, frankly, a bit unsettling.

I once spotted a woman whose face was so 'rogue traffic cone', I genuinely thought she was preparing for a role as a giant Jaffa Cake in some avant-garde street theatre. And bless her little cotton socks, she was probably just trying to look like she’d had a lovely fortnight in Benidorm, when, in actual fact, she'd probably just been trying to find the matching socks from last week's laundry. What she definitely hadn't been doing was paying attention to the basic laws of dermatology, or even just natural daylight.

The trick, you see, is subtlety. We’re aiming for “just back from a charming weekend in Scarborough, feeling refreshed and slightly toasted”, not “I’ve just had a close encounter with a pot of Dulux emulsion and now I’m starring in a remake of The Witches of Eastwick”.

Oops! Looks like there may be a tad too much product on the face and she's going in with more!

The bronzer brigade: a roll call of the usual suspects

Now, before you go charging into Boots like a bull in a china shop, let’s have a gander at the various bronzer types that are out there, lurking on the shelves, just waiting to either elevate your complexion or turn you into a human satsuma.

The dainty drips

Bloomin' bronzing drops. These are for the brave, the bold and the easily bamboozled. You mix them in with your moisturiser or foundation, which sounds simple enough. Until you get it wrong, and suddenly, you’re looking like you’ve been tangoed by a particularly enthusiastic unicorn. The golden rule here is “less is always more”. Start with a single, solitary drop and, if you still resemble a pint of skimmed milk, add another. But, for crying out loud, don’t go squeezing half the bottle in, unless you’re auditioning for the role of a terracotta garden gnome.

Tip: Some bronzing drops can be applied directly to the skin. Go careful! Always choose a shade that suits your natural complexion. For example, if you are very pale skinned, opt for a light tan finish. I know, the temptation to go for medium is real! You can also mix bronzing drops with a moisturising skin tint. Once you’ve got your desired base, you can use a slightly darker bronzer to highlight your cheekbones and temples. There are lots of bronzing drops to choose from. Personally, I use Barry M’s Heatwave Liquid Shimmer when I’m looking for a hint of a tint with radiance. 

The creamy contender

Cream bronzer can be a rather lovely thing. It melts into the skin, giving you a sort of dewy, natural glow. It’s like a bit of sunshine in a pot, but without the risk of sunburn or those truly awful tan lines. The snag? If you’re a bit heavy-handed, you can end up looking like you’ve been wrestling with a jar of Nutella. And whilst a good breakfast spread is fab, it’s not exactly the desired aesthetic for your face.

Trend: Last summer, cream bronzers were all the rage. This year, however, bronzing drops appear to have the edge. As well as delivering an effortless tan, they also offer instant radiance. If you fancy trying a cream, I recommend Revolution Ultra Cream Bronzer. Why? Each of the shades in this range provide a believable tanned finish.

The powder powerhouse

The old faithful. The reliable workhorse. The powder bronzer. This is probably what springs to mind when you hear the word 'bronzer'. It’s versatile, relatively easy to use (in theory) and comes in more shades than you’ve had hot dinners. But be warned: the wrong shade, or too much of it, and you’ll be sporting a complexion that screams: “I’ve just had a very heated discussion with a bucket of rust.”

Tip: Powder bronzers can be hard to diffuse unless you apply with a very light touch. Don’t overload your brush with product and go in with light taps before blending. 

The liquid lure

Liquid bronzer is the wildcard of the bunch. It can be absolutely brilliant for a sheer, luminous finish, making you look like you’ve just returned from a mindfulness retreat in Dorset. Or, if you’re not terribly careful, it can make you look like you’ve had a slight mishap with a bottle of Vimto. Apply with caution, my dears, and blend like your life depends on it. Because in the thrilling world of bronzer, it kind of does.

Tip: When I’m looking for a true tanned look, I use a PLouise Cheek Of It Bronzer, mixed with my favourite foundation. I then use the same bronzer, well-blended but ‘neat’, so to speak, on my cheeks and temples to finish the look. Some of the bronzers in this range are rather 'orange', so choose a sensible shade.

The bronzer masterclass: avoiding the gravy granule catastrophe

Right, now for the nitty-gritty. How do we achieve that elusive, natural-looking bronzed glow without looking like we’ve been spray-painted by an unhinged squirrel with a paint roller?

Definitely not quite 'there' yet!

Don't grab the first bronzer you see

First things first, shade selection. This is absolutely critical. Hold the bronzer up to your face. If it looks like it’s been designed for an entirely different species – say, an orangutan – then for goodness sake, put it back. You want something that’s about two shades darker than your natural skin tone. Not five. Not ten. Two. Think subtle warmth, not a dramatic transformation into an entirely different ethnicity. And for the love of all that is holy, no glitter that could land a small aircraft. Unless you’re actually going to a fancy dress party as a Poundland chandelier, in which case, crack on.

The sun-kissed sweet spots

Think about where the sun naturally kisses your face. The tops of your cheekbones, your temples, across the bridge of your nose, and perhaps a tiny, subtle dusting on your chin. These are your target zones. Don’t go slapping it all over your forehead like you’re trying to colour in a giant orange dinner plate.

The blending olympics

This is where the magic happens, or where the whole thing goes spectacularly pear-shaped. Blend, blend, blend! Imagine you’re trying to get rid of a particularly stubborn grease stain on your best cardigan. Keep going until there are no harsh lines, no tell-tale streaks. Use a big, fluffy brush for powder bronzer, or your fingers or a damp sponge for creams and liquids. Think soft, diffused warmth, not a painted-on mask you could peel off.

The neck and décolletage jig

Here’s a little insider secret for you: if you’re bronzing your face, you absolutely must extend it down your neck and onto your décolletage. Otherwise, you’ll have a lovely bronze face and a ghostly white neck, making it look like your head has been surgically attached to someone else’s body. Just a light sweep, mind you. We’re not trying to give ourselves a full body spray tan in the bathroom.

The ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall’ test

Once you think you’re done, step back. Way, way back. Look at yourself in natural light. Is your face glowing like a goddess, or glowing like a beacon for incoming air traffic? If it’s the latter, grab a clean, fluffy brush and gently buff away any excess. A little dusting of translucent powder can also help to soften any harsh lines.

And there you have it. The arcane art of bronzing, thoroughly demystified (and hopefully, a fair bit funnier). Remember, the aim is to look like you’ve just had a lovely little break, not like you’ve been marinated in Irn-Bru. Go forth, my beauties, and bronze with a healthy dose of common sense. Your face (and your reputation) will jolly well thank you for it.